Identity: stories from you
I asked some fellow moms to share their reflections on identity. I think sharing these deep reflections truly build a community, so your contributions are invaluable!
If you’d like to share yours, please email momgouge@gmail.com and I’ll post below! Please include if you’d like to remain anonymous or how you’d like your name/info presented.
Prompt: How did becoming a mother challenge how you feel about your identity?
“I am most concerned with an altered identity when confronted with comparison. Comparison can be healthy … we can use it to relate to one another through empathy and compassion, and even to challenge each other to achieve our goals. But comparison destructs, too. When I compare myself to friends who are moms that are more attentive or creative or fit, I start to feel like I have failed as a mom. I have had a few seasons where I felt I was not prevailing at home or at work, believing that I was letting both my children and teammates down. Those were the moments comparison ate away at me the most. I was looking left and right when I should have been looking forward, taking one step at a time to focus on the present. One such season was when I was a new commander alongside my husband with a three-year-old and a newborn. We had to take our newborn to appointments twice a week, and many days I nearly forgot to pump as I tried to keep my head above water at work. I compared myself to fellow commanders -- mostly men -- who could arrive early or stay late at their squadrons. In hindsight, I realize how silly this was.
My identity was shaken, not because I was a mom, but because I was not achieving. As officers, we are taught that achievement is the hallmark of a successful career. Achievement is what sets you apart from your peers. Achievement -- your own and others' -- is what proves you are an effective leader. So in absence of achievement, I felt I was not serving well. Now I know this is not true. In the moments we choose to continue to press through the struggle, we are showing others they can too. They see us showing up, doing the best we can, even when circumstances are not perfect. We are not shutting down or throwing in the towel. That means they can too. And then when we eventually enter a new season -- one where we have more time or energy or mental and emotional bandwidth -- we appreciate and honor the season from which we emerged, and use that to fuel us to achieve once again.” - Kate, Officer, USAF
“I love being a mom. I hoped, planned, and prayed for a baby. I read all the books and did all the research but as all parents know, there is only so much you can prepare for. Once it became a reality, it was as difficult and wonderful as everyone says. Something I actively feared before I had a child was losing my identity. I had seen friends and loved ones completely change after having kids and that scared me. I loved who I was as a wife, friend, and officer and did not want to drastically change. After my son was born, those changes made more sense to me, and I found myself battling to keep my identity. My desires were easily eclipsed by the baby’s needs, and I felt like all that mattered was my son. I had to work very hard to get back to myself. My husband encouraged me to coach for a local high school while I was pregnant and after the birth I was too concerned for my son to continue. He pushed me to go back even while on maternity leave. The two hours I was “Coach Bri” instead of “Mom” were invaluable. This was a catalysis for me to make my physical and mental fitness more of a priority and better communicating my needs to my husband. I still find myself struggling with my identity as an aviator, wife, and mother but I strive to take care of myself to better to take care of those around me.” Gabriella, Officer, USAF
